The Care and Feeding of Redneck Children

Since moving back to North Carolina, the wife and I have taken on a new self-imposed task that we anticipated, but were not exactly prepared for: The Care and Feeding of Redneck Children.

In our house, among other things like four dogs, two cats, a myriad of chickens roaming the front yard and old guy of ill health who we affectionately refer to as "Ozzy", (It used to be Boomhauer due to his nearly incomprehensible "Southern" and the ever present baseball cap.) we also have two pre-teen redneck children whom I will refer to henceforth as "Ellie Mae" and "Jethro".

Ellie Mae and Jethro are the quintessential redneck children who speak fluent Southern and little English and will forgo shoes unless ordered to do so.

Ellie Mae spends the bulk of her time tending to the animals or perpetually cleaning her room after which she immediately proceeds to return it to it's original condition: a FEMA disaster site.

Jethro prefers to spend the bulk of his time prowling the woods, setting out food plots and constructing tree stands in a never ending quest to bag that elusive trophy buck. His room is not nearly as neat as his hunting spots in the forest. Getting him to clean his room often entails hiding his fishing pole and telling him it's in his room somewhere and maybe he'll find it if he cleans the room.

They are good kids who usually do as they are told, are awfully helpful and often asking if they can assist with things around the house. It gives us an opportunity to spend time with them and have an influence that will hopefully carry them far beyond the "hollars" and the "bottoms". (Valleys and creek beds.)

One of the first things we are undertaking is "learnin' the youngin's English". Having spent a great deal of time with "Ozzy" (Envision Ozzy Osborne with a fifth grade education, backwoodsman life experiences and a really bad Southern drawl.), I no longer need the services of an interpreter to translate Southern into passable English. I know what "carry" (Drive someone in a car.) and "finna" (Fixing to or getting ready to do something.) mean. We practice pronunciation of words like "there" instead of "thar" and "here" instead of "har".

Another thing we are exposing them to is the world outside of Townsville. Yes, they have been to the big city of Henderson (pop. 16,000 or so with a WalMart, fast food, Tractor Supply and an auto parts store.) but beyond that, they have seen pictures of various metropoli and are sure it's science fiction made up like a movie on TV. When we go to the state fair in Raleigh later this year, they will get to see the state capitol for themselves. I hope it's not too much of a shock.

A few years ago we took them to the beach in Virgina to prove to them that there is a bigger body of water than Kerr Lake. We were considered gods that we knew about this. We went out on the ocean in a big charter boat to show them that you could not see the other side.

We could tell them anything at this point and they would swallow it hook, line and sinker. For instance, this evening during dinner, I convinced them that all food has a certain "Nummie" factor. The more "nummies", the better the flavor. I explained that it was a scientific fact that things like candy and doughnuts had a high concentration of "nummies" and things like plain flour or bran had a low concentration of "nummies". That's why parents tell babies "Num, num, num." when getting them to eat. It's to let the baby know the food, which looks like it has been eaten once already, has nummies in it. Now I can tell them that any food has a high "nummie" content and it's going to taste good. They'll eat it.

Speaking of food, feeding of redneck children is a bit trickier and more sporadic. They enjoy all manner of game animals including venison shot on the back forty and fish caught out of the lake. There is an entire goose still in feather in our freezer that Jethro bagged on one of his expeditions. They like to grow their own vegetable like beans, corn and tomatoes. Eating food you grew or shot yourself is a rich tradition and we heartily encourage it. (Have you seen the prices at Piggly Wiggly lately??) They are of the impression that money is better spent on bait or chicken feed. (They got me there..) They will, however, gobble a Honeybun like a pack of pirhanas on a sun burnt fat guy.

My pal Ryan "Mmmm.. Good ribs!!" Smith has two redneck children of his own. They are not nearly as redneck as Jethro and Ellie Mae. The big difference there is that the bulk of their raising is done by his in-laws, citified snobbery who would rather eat hot dogs and chicken nuggets than actually cooking something fresh and healthy. When Ryan has them, he educates and endears them to his redneck ways and reminds the children "that it's special and a secret". The last thing they need is to be reconditioned to the point where the both of them turn in to "Sheltie People".

All in all, things are going well at the dusty end of our dirt road. We hope that soon Ellie Mae and Jethro will be country enough to maintain their roots and pass them on to their redneck children, but civilized enough to be able to go to college and make a good life for themselves doing something they love like a veterinarian and a game warden.

At least they don't look at us like freaks, or worse: Yankees. (I got that covered.. I am a Red Sox fan and have a t-shirt that says Yankees Suck. People down here love it for all the wrong reasons, but it works for me.) We maybe Yankees by birth, but at least we're Southern by disposition and redneck by association.

We're good with that.

Random Diary Entries Since Relocating to North Carolina

Day 1: Arrived in NC. Tired. It was a long drive hauling my car with my pick up truck from Milwaukee, WI to Townsville, NC. I had the boat repair place pick up my boat (The Hungry Dawg), which has been sitting for about 4 years, and to do what needed to get done so I can finally use it. I need a beer and a nap.

Day 2: Our semi trailer full of stuff won't get here for a few days, so I went fishing. I caught a 12" small mouth and a white perch. I watched a thunderstorm pass over the north end of the lake. It was pretty to watch, almost awe-inspiring. All I was missing was a beer.

Day 3: Woke up to the sound of chickens crowing in the front yard. I drove down to Bojangles and got me a sausage biscuit with egg, some seasoned Cajun fries and a sweet tea. Too bad they don't serve beer. The wife wants to do a cookout next weekend, so I am looking for a good cooker to borrow for the day on Saturday. Had a beer.

Day 4: The semi trailer finally arrived and my son and his girfriend came down from Norfolk, VA to help out. It was sure hot out. We got most of it unloaded including my John Deer lawn tractor and all the accessories. I lost about 10 lbs in the heat, but we made up for it in beer.

Day 5: It was my birthday today. I turned 50. Spent the rest of the day unloading the rest of the trailer and ordered a pig to throw on the cooker. I've never cooked a whole pig before. The butcher said it was fairly easy. Get a cooker and set it to 300 for about 5 hours and keep tossing barbecue sauce on it. Just drink beer until it's done.

Day 6: I woke up hungry so I carried the wife down to Bojangles and we got us some sausage and egg biscuits, Cajun fries and tea. MmmmMmmm, boy was that good. Picked up some beer on the way home for the rest of the day. Spent the rest of the day drinkin' beer and watchin' the woman unpack boxes.

Day 7: Called down to the boat guy to see when The Dawg was going to be out of the shop. Went and got me a brand new trailer to haul it with. The guy down at the boat store hooked me up real good and gave me a real sweet deal. I bragged on him so people knowed he treated me right. I can't wait to drink beer on my boat. I sure missed it a bunch. I looked for a job so I can put gas in my boat (I call it "feedin' The Dawg") and go fishin' off it.

Day 8: The guy came by with the cooker on a trailer and told me how to run it so I wouldn't blow myself up. He never cooked a pig in it before and told me to tell him how it works out. I went up there to the butcher's and picked up the pig. It weighs 50 lbs. That's going to be a whole mess of pork meat. Called my best buddy Ryan and he said he'd come down and eat some with us. I told him to bring some beer. Still ain't found no job.

Day 9: Got up hella early to cook the pig. It takes 5 hours at least. I hoped Ryan would hurry up and get here with the beer or it won't turn out right. Still got no job, but that's OK. I had beer comin'. The pig tasted good. Everyone said it was the best they ever had. Not bad for my first time cooking a whole pig all by myself. I painted it good with barbecue sauce while I drank beer. The butcher was right. That's how ya do it. Me n Ryan talked and talked the whole day long. We're gonna go fishin' as soon as The Dawg come out of the shop and I get her all fixed up to go.

Day 10: They guy came by to pick up the cooker and had me tell him how I done it. I told him to keep it at 300 degrees, paint it good with the sauce and drink beer while yer doin' it. He said OK. Cool. I helped him hook the cooker up to his pick up truck and he carried the cooker back home. I went in the house and watched racin' on the TV and drank a beer. I 'm gonna to look for a job tomorrow.

Day 11: Still ain't got no job, but that's OK. The woman is workin' regular and so is the TV. If I could figure out how to be gainfully unemployed, I'd have it made. I put in some applications in the internet web thingy while I drank beer. We'll see how that pans out.

Day 12: I went down to the boat place today 'cause the guy said The Dawg was all done being fixed up. He said it run real good. It needed the carbs cleaned out, the gas tank cleaned out, a new impeller, some gear oil and the lower unit redone. He give me a fair price for all that and I was glad to get The Dawg back. It's been sittin' a while so it'll need a fair pice of elbow grease to be cleaned up real good. Might take me all of a six pack to get that done. I am looking forward to it. I put in some more applications on the interweb deal there so it looks like I am lookin' for a job.

Day 13: Spent all dang day cleanin' up The Dawg. It was pretty nasty having been sittin' so long. I did get it cleaned up good, so that's a good thing. I gots more stuff to fix on it to make it right, but I got a call from some job place to go up in the city tomorrow for a job interview. I said yes 'cause it's right near the boat parts place. I was gonna be up that-a way anyways. I figure I can stop in for the interview while I was up there gettin' the parts I need. I'll grab some beer on the way home and see if I can't make The Dawg right as rain by the end of the day. The weekend is comin' up and I want to be out on the water where I belong. As soon as I finish this beer, I am headin' to bed.

The Hungry Dawg